I have to apologize for slacking on my posts. I promise I am not abandoning you. I solemnly swear to never leave you. I’ve been a little preoccupied the past couple of weeks. Spontaneously, I decided to start going to therapy. It’s something I’ve resisted for years. The last time I tried going to therapy was six years ago. I only made it to three sessions. On the third session we started diving into places I didn’t have the courage to go. I have the courage now. The reason I decided to go to therapy again is the same reason from six years ago. It’s also the same reason I decided to start writing. That reason is a person. Teddy. How extraordinary it is that one person can have such a brilliant effect on my life.
The circumstances under which I started therapy are also extraordinary. On the morning of Thursday May 27, less than two weeks ago, I decided to begin my search for the right therapist. By that evening I had an appointment scheduled for the upcoming Sunday. This was the weekend of Memorial Day mind you and the therapist’s office isn’t even open on Sundays. I’ve had three sessions so far. Tomorrow I have my fourth. It will be a record for me. The strides I’ve made thus far are unfathomable. It’s happened so fast that I haven’t had time to catch my breath. Finding this therapist was practically effortless and getting in to see him shockingly easy. I have a very strong connection with him and the work we are doing together is profound.
This is the email that I sent when I initially reached out to him:
Hello Dr. Brown,
I am hoping for a little luck here and that you have room, in what I can only assume is a very busy schedule, to take on a new patient. My mother has been offering to pay for my therapy for years and for the first time, I am open to taking her up on the offer. I’ve always been incredibly determined and self-sufficient, preferring to delve into the recesses of my mind on my own. I have confidence in my abilities but I have hit a wall. My entire life I have enjoyed finding my boundaries and breaking them down to discover new possibilities but I’m currently at an impasse. I find myself in need of a guide. I don’t know if I can do what comes next on my own. I’m awestruck to find myself admitting that.
There is not much that I am certain of in this life but of one thing I am certain: Love is all that really matters. I have built up so many defenses against love. I don’t know how to let people love me. I learned in my formative years that the people who love me hurt me. I have spent a lot of time and effort healing myself and have built a life surrounded by wonderful, kind people. I trust that I attract goodness into my life. But I keep everyone at arm’s length. I don’t have intimacy with anyone. More than anything, I long for intimacy with a man that I can start a family with, full of love and joy. I have deeply rooted belief systems that won’t allow this. I feel like I’m trying to perform brain surgery on myself to remove a tumor that has been growing since childhood. Continuing on my own would be foolhardy and dangerous.
One of the reasons I’ve been against therapy is that I imagined there would be a lot of wasted effort in finding the right person. I figured I had better things to do with my time. Dr. Brown you are the first person I’ve reached out to. I found the SD Psychoanalytic Center on Google and wrote an email to the referral desk. Within a couple hours I had a list. Your name was at the top. I felt an immediate affinity towards you. That could be due to us sharing the same name. In any event, I don’t believe in coincidences. The affinity grew when I read your profile. I had a feeling looking at the rest of the list would be unnecessary but I did it anyway for good measure. It’s not in my nature to leave a stone unturned. After perusing through the information provided on all the other professionals, my confidence in you was solidified.
Are you able to make time to meet with me?
Kind Regards,
Danielle
He responded after a few hours and the meeting was scheduled for three days later. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around how fast this happened. I’m recognizing more and more that when something is right the doors open and if the doors aren’t opening then it isn’t right, even if it’s just the timing that isn’t right.